I'm just so damn tired of being sick. And this time of year, it's especially easy to fall into self-pity for all the things I wish I could do but can't or don't.
And the guilt.
I know people make fun of those annual holiday letters that they receive from people they don't hear from the rest of the year. But I actually like them. I love seeing the photos of kids and pets. I like hearing about the vacations people took during the previous year (even if they sometimes provoke envy on my part :). I enjoy hearing about the highlights of people's lives. (It probably helps that we don't get any obnoxious ones, but I'm sure that's because we chose our friends and relatives carefully. :)
Each December, our back door becomes a collage of cards and photos that people have sent, serving the dual purpose of adding some festivity to our decor and blocking the sun, which comes in at a blinding angle during the winter on the rare occasions we actually get sun during a Portland winter.
But I'm noticing that we're starting to get dropped off some folks' holiday card list. I don't blame them -- this is the second year in a row that I had good intentions but never found the energy to follow through.
And it's like one more connection with the "healthy" world at large is getting thinner and thinner.
Everything just seems harder than it should be, and more complicated than it needs to be. Even wrapping gifts was a challenge. I took advantage of all the "free shipping" offers and did almost all the shopping online this year. If it were just Scott and me, I probably would have just resorted to grocery store bags or something. But for my 4-year-old, ripping through the wrapping paper is probably 70 percent of the fun of getting presents. And with birthday and Chanukah gifts to wrap for her, it was a LOT of packages. (She turned 4 on Dec. 21.)
And it bums me out that with Scott and Ellie home full-time for two weeks now, I can't catch up on my energy. I'm just so exhausted, despite the fact that Scott is doing almost all the work of keeping Ellie entertained. I just need more downtime than I'm getting, but I feel guilty whenever I slink upstairs to rest. It doesn't help that the unusual amounts of snow have left us mostly housebound for the past two weeks and unable to have the babysitter I arranged for come over. (I'm hoping if these warmer temps hold up that she'll be able to come over on Sunday or Monday for sure.)
Meanwhile, I've got a busy week next week since all my medical appointments have been rescheduled for two weeks. I see the immunologist on Tuesday for the pneumonia vaccine testing so in six to eight weeks, I can finish the testing to see if I have the immunodeficiency it looks like I do.
And on Wednesday, New Year's Eve day, I will have the endoscopy to do the biopsies for celiac disease as well as checking for new ulcers.
Maybe the new year will bring some answers ...
And thanks for "listening" to my vent.
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