Sunday, November 15, 2009

One of Those Nights

Sometimes I really don't understand how I can be so tired, with so little energy, and yet have so much trouble falling and staying asleep.

I know it's a common problem for folks with chronic illnesses, especially when plagued by chronic pain, like I am. 

Last night (Friday night), I just couldn't find a position that didn't hurt too much to let me relax enough to drift off. 

I'm sure I dozed some, although I never felt like I'd fallen asleep and/or woken up. When Ellie tried to wake Scott up at 6:45 a.m. (which is late for her!), I tried to respond to her so we could let him get a little extra sleep. I figured, hey, I'm awake anyway and don't seem anywhere near falling into a real sleep. Not that I was anything but a zombie, but I was a zombie who could turn on the TV and give her breakfast. 

It's nights like this one that make me feel empathy for the recent string of accidental overdoses by celebs. I felt so desperate to get to sleep that I was tempted to just keep taking a different (or more of a) prescribed medicine, anything to just make me unconscious so I didn't feel anything anymore.

I started out taking some Benedryl (50 mg) with my normal bedtime meds, since it will often put me out. Then I got up to get a pain pill (5 mg oxycodone). Then I considered taking more oxycodone (my Rx is for 2 5mg tabs every 4-6 hours), or a Klonopin, or an Ambien. (By the time I realized I wasn't going to sleep on my own, it was past 2 a.m. and I was afraid if I took an Ambien that late, I'd need to sleep until 3 p.m.) Or even a Baclofen. Yes, I essentially have my own little pharmacy.

I didn't take any of them, because at that point I feared I'd lost track of what I'd already taken and I didn't want to risk an overdose. (I might be depressed, but I'm definitely not suicidal.)

It reminded me of the days in the late '90s, when my first shoulder surgery had been botched and my pain levels were completely out of control because I was still trying to work full-time. For a little while, I started having a wine cooler or mini bottle of wine in the afternoon/evening along with my pain meds. The combination of alcohol and narcotics were the only thing that gave me a break from the pain. But I quickly realized that path would only make me into an alcoholic (and possibly a drug addict too), and stopped the combination. 

At 9 a.m., I finally fell asleep for a few hours with the help of another dose of pain meds. 

And I'm still feeling like a zombie, so forgive me if I've rambled or not made sense here. I think it's time for me to head back to bed and, hopefully, blessed unconsciousness. With luck, tomorrow will be a better day.

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