Saturday, December 12, 2009

More Humor For The Undiagnosed

This piece was posted on MedHelp by Quixotic1, a retired pediatrician (who retired because of her multiple sclerosis) after someone shared the earlier piece about D.U.M.B. doctors. :-)

[Btw, I've found the multiple sclerosis community on MedHelp to be very friendly, welcoming to newcomers, and, especially thanks to Quix, very informative and helpful in interpreting test results and translating medicalese. I haven't had quite as much luck in some of the other forums, but I highly recommend MedHelp as a source of information and support from other patients.]


An article from The Journal of Irreproducible Results from January 2009 had this letter to the editor:
And this from an archived issue of the Journal of Irrelevant Infectious Diseases: Vol XXIV, 34:1098-2012.

"But, new information has come to light supporting an infectious etiology for DUMB doctors, specifically Type B - the Factlessness or Factlessitious Subtype - that is not seen in Medicalingerers nor in STUPID doctors.  At a point early in their careers, this subset DUMB doctors can be shown to have been normal, abruptly showing a change in behavior that is characterized by the DUMB syndrome.  This almost always occurs in the setting of a high incidence of DUMB.  This suggests that the DUMB practitioner was suddenly infected by an as yet unknown infectious organism.

The DUMB practitioner is far more likely to refer the unsatisfied patient to another practitioner who suffers from similar "psychologistic" practices.  These infected doctors may run in herds, infecting and reinfecting each other.  They have a herd mentality and are likely to infect whole departments in well-known hospitals.  This may account for the not-infrequent assessments that psychological "stress" is the cause of all problems - all pointing back to excessive preocupation with the idea that symptoms are caused by the act of merely existing.

The acute infection is often hard to recognize, but the astute observer will notice the tendency to stand near the door of the exam room, the revulsion at touching the patient and the discarding of any data that might seem relevant to an otherwise unafflicted doctor, thus resulting in little or no  information being obtained.  The DUMB doctor frequently interrupts the patient.   An early clue is the mounting pile of unread medical journals in the trunk of their cars.  Some have suggested that early intervention might salvage otherwise lost medical brains by merely noting which cars run low in back as they enter the physicians' parking lot.  However, this can lead to false positive results from excessive editions of National Geographic headed for the library for recycling.  

Other tip-offs to the condition are the frequent "eye-rolling" and the tendency to snort derisively.  Some particularly observant sociologist have noticed other  similarities to the bull in a bull-fighting arena include occasional stomping and tossing of the head.  Charging at the Red Flags of depression, female gender, age over 30, "nonspecific" MRI reports, and negative LP results often precede the psychologizing by mere seconds.  The DUMB doctor seems to be surprisingly un-self-aware.

The Medicalingerers, on the other hand, can be shown to have the basic traits of avariciousness so characteristic of this subtype, apparent from very early on in the medical education.

STUPID doctors, however, curiously appear to have some self-knowledge of their malady and tend to refrain from referring to other doctors.  This researcher believes this is in fear that their syndrome will be revealed.  The professional isolation sometimes protects them from infection which might otherwise render them also DUMB.  They find little enjoyment in the day to day banter and sharing of opinions known as "Second Opinions."  They seem to have little care that their mental chaos is an obvious embarrassment to their families and colleagues.

Zermanigoogi, Franco, MD. 


And another piece written by Quix:

One must always wonder at the etiology of such problems.  This researcher, in collaboration with and with funds from the Members of L.I.M.B.O.L.A.N.D. (Living In Madness Because Of Lazy, Arrogant and Narcissistic Doctors) has recently theorized that these are completely distinct and etiologically unrelated problems, though there may be a genetic susceptibility.  One cannot reconcile the frequency with which these are encountered in the same doctor without considering genetics.

A Swedish researcher has possibly found the cause for the otherwise unexplainable association between Continuing Medical Education conventions and TiddleeWinks tournaments.  For decades sociologists have assumed that the TiddleeWinks enthusiasts that have followed medical education meetings was essentially like the followers of The Grateful Dead - a subculture of drugs, arts, heavy rock and tie-dye - which made up an self-sufficient sub-economy which followed the famous band from city to city.

However, an elegant study from Sweden shows that the Tiddly Winks fanatics and a large portion of DUMB and STUPID doctors have the same thing in common.  They share several gene markers on several different chromosomes (2q19, 2p12, 2p23, 21p16)  These genes can be activated by intense mental endeavor - such as may be occur in medical school.  However, it also shows up as an decreased attention span, difficulties with social interaction and a compulsive fascination for brightly-colored objects.  Exposure to brilliant, colored, flying, plastic discs triggers a huge release of endorphins in this subset of the population.  This may well be the basis for the lure of the TiddleeWinks play at the expense of further medical knowledge.  It also expains the difficulty we have found in treating both DUMB and STUPID.  After applying the Freedom of Information Act the Swedish researcher has found a statistically significant relationship between the founders of the Tiddly Winks establishment and medical school dropouts.

Now we can understand the mistaken belief of DUMB doctors that  "There is No Pain in MS".

1 comment:

Jeanne said...


This is so funny! I just commented on the post you had linked to from this one too.

There are SO many doctors who tell patients (or imply to patients) that their health problems are "in their heads" when there is actually a very real physical illness (or several) left unaddressed!

So many patients' needs are not met when doctors chalk everything they don't understand (or everything they haven't seen before in their practice) up to being "psychosomatic".

So, did the same person write this Vol XXIV letter as wrote the preceding one or did one person expand on another's humor? If it said in there, I missed it.

Whoever wrote these is very funny. Thanks for making me laugh.

I have to say that I'm glad I have reached the point that I can laugh about it (thanks to having finally found doctors who take my illnesses seriously and never say or imply that I'm somehow imagining my symptoms).

Sadly, for too many years I was the patient of D.U.M.B. or S.T.U.P.I.D. doctors. That is... until I got SMART and fired them!

That L.I.M.B.O.L.A.N.D. was funny too! I say that with the utmost respect to my current doctors and the utmost disrespect to ever doctor I've ever fired!!